March 28, 2015

Beta Male

I didn't wake up this morning
I was already dead
The paramedic and the police photographer
Were in the ambulance passing around a
Cigarette, looking over my body
What was left of my head
As they drove me back to the precinct
This is what they said

Beta male, shouldn't have done that
Beta male should've stayed in his nest
Beta male chasing alpha female
Beta male, cardiac arrest

Back at Pete's Pizza Barrel
They didn't miss me for days
They hired a kid with a degree to replace me
Gave him the route that took him into Carol's world
That's where I was on Friday
I'd just delivered a deep dish and a case
To some hipsters playing Jenga by the plasma
Two or three of them were making out to Ace of Base

Beta male, shouldn't have done that
Beta male, pick a better career
Beta male chasing alpha female
Beta male gettin' nowhere with domestic beer

I thought about the hipsters
As I drove in second gear around the block
I put away a couple, maybe four Heinekens
And I decided to give Carol's door another shot
She came out in her PJ's
And her sorority socks
She said, "boy you know you shouldn't be here"
I was thinking "Senorita still looks hotter than a wok"

Beta male, shouldn't have done that
Beta male should have taken a hint
Beta male, chasing alpha female
Beta male, oh no you didn't

Should've looked over her shoulder
And not her golden Gorgon hair
I might have seen her boyfriend coming
Good thing he wasn't bigger than a
Subaru. He gave me half a look over
And took a whiff of the air
"Do I smell pizza... baby, is this him?!"
I should've known you can't outrun a grizzly bear

Beta male, shouldn't have done that
Beta male, should've deferred
Beta male chasing alpha female
Alpha male, just thinning out the herd