If U Died 4 Me

^[1]If you died for me^[2], that wouldn't really be creative, now would it?
Don't you think I'd rather be with a man who can handle a rattlesnake or a biker gang?

If you died for me, I think I'd make a miserable widow
Do I look like the kind of girl who wants to spend her Friday nights with ashes in a locket?

If you want to impress me, if you want me to fall hard,
Don't you die for me

^[3]You think I'm beautiful? The most beautiful... ever?
Have you never seen fresh snow falling in the woods, or a Raphael in a museum^[4]?

You think I'm hot! Well I might be^[5] at the moment.
Will you still think so when I lose the race between my metabolism and these brownies?

If you want to impress me, if you want me to fall hard,
You'd better do better than beautiful

^[6]You say that no one will ever love me like you do^[7]
If it makes you feel better, I'll admit on a level that's chemical, molecular, cellular... technically that's true.

^[8]I was meant for you^[9]? Tell me more about your notions of free will!
Was I placed on this planet to fulfill some requirement for you to be happy?

You were meant for me^[10]? I don't recall anybody asking
My criteria and weighting for the qualities I'd like in a lover... this year

If you want to impress me, if you want me to fall hard
Don't say I was meant for you!

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1. Him: I would, like, totally die for you. Her: so you're nothing like MacGyver, and you'd be first to go in the zombie apocalypse? ↩︎

2. Seriously, folks, this is the most. overused. line. ↩︎

3. Him: You're the ____est I've ever ____ed! Her: I bet you say that to all the girls. Him: OK, you got me there. ↩︎

4. ↩︎

5. If there's ever a video for this song (please, please let it be Jewel), I want the director to just play the Daenerys GIF over this line. You know the one... ↩︎

6. Him: This is it, the apotheosis of affection. Her: wait, what's wrong with me, why wouldn't a bunch of these other people over here be willing to love me as much? Am I that flawed? Are you??? ↩︎

7. Not to be confused with the message in Portishead's Sour Times, which is more declaratory than negging. ↩︎

8. Him: {I,You} {was,were} meant for {you,me}! Her: So.... I don't have any choice in the matter? How romantic! ↩︎

9. I particularly enjoy the genre of blog post that compares the Fifty Shades... series to felonious stalking. It's a very thin line. ↩︎

10. Personal to SP: Seriously, I love the song, I really really do. It's proof that amazing execution can overcome what would otherwise be a kinda stalker-y hook. #morehooksthanacoatroom ↩︎