March 29, 2015 · holy war Lenin bacon This American Life identity theft

Paradise Pie

From the way she said good-byes
You could tell that Mary had a boyfriend
But my airtight alibi
Let me serve her breakfast every morning

Mary can't you see if love is war
Then I'm an enemy combatant

To take Mary's lover's place
First I had to steal his identity
So before I reach first base
I'll convince him to read my malicious emails

If love is blind then
Mary will be seeing me for dinner in a week

When my clergyman found out
He gave my plan all his seven blessings
He said "son, you've been devout"
So go in peace, but not without a warning

Love is war but love is also holy
So you're technically jihad[1]

With my struggle almost done
I lit some candles for a cozy supper
When the clock read eight o' one
I heard the ring that I assumed was Mary

I prepared my fork and knife for Paradise pie[2], but
I got hell bacon [3]

When the agents burst inside
They put yellow tape up like it was a crime scene
It said "Love's a battlefield"[4]
They arrested me, just like it was a bad dream

My neighbor in Guantanamo quotes Lennon[5],
he says "Love is all you need"

If the lawyers did their jobs
You and I could order up some pizza
And a spicy shishkabob
But instead we're playing hearts with Putin's dentist

On clear and sunny Saturdays, my radio gets This American Life[6]


  1. In Arabic, the word jihād is a noun meaning "to strive, to apply oneself, to struggle, to persevere." ↩︎

  2. "Paradise Pie" was another Yosemite songwriting prompt, so there are several siblings out in the world to this one. ↩︎

  3. There's a halal reference waiting to be made in that line. ↩︎

  4. Pat Benatar for mood music! ↩︎

  5. John, not Влади́мир Ильи́ч. ↩︎

  6. I've lost count of how many TAL episodes I'm behind at this point. ↩︎